Big Ass Rock
by Rawr it's Kizami
Summary: Milliardo is feeling down one day, and Duo and Heero take it the wrong way and think he wants to kill himself... so they offer to do it for him.


**Disclaimer**: I don't own GW or anything of the like. I don't own the song "Big Ass Rock" from the musical "The Full Monty" either. Great song though. (:

**Summary:** Milliardo is down in the dumps one day, and Duo and Heero take the wrong way, thinking he'll kill himself… so they offer to do it for him.

**Big Ass Rock  
**by Rawr It's Kizami

Milliardo sighed. Why, he wondered, why me? Of everyone in the history of the universe, it had to be him.

Of all the people, he had to be Relena's brother.

That morning, the girl had inexplicably barged into his room while he was sleeping, shouted something about Heero hating her and how distraught she was, and, for a reason Milliardo still could not figure, burst into spontaneous song and dance about how much the world sucked.

That actually made Milli think; the world DID suck, and so did being Relena's brother. It was almost enough to make him want to burst into song and dance, but he figured that would be strange, and besides, who did that? Other than Relena apparently.

He sighed again and stared at the empty landscape around him. Aside from his gun, which he brought everywhere with him for safety reasons, sitting next to him on the bench, there was no evidence that anyone had been in the park for quite some time. Empty, empty, empty. Did nobody go to the park anymore?

"Peacecraft?"

The blonde jumped up, whirled around, and found himself facing the last two people he would have ever expected to find; Duo Maxwell and Heero Yuy.

"Whoa, it IS you!" Duo exclaimed, his expression one of obvious surprise. When he took notice of Milliardo's sullen expression and the firearm suspiciously in reach, the boy gasped and promptly took a firm grasp of Milli's shoulders. "I just want you to know… killing yourself is not the answer."

"What!" Milli shouted, wide-eyed.

Heero eyed Milliardo's gun and turned his gaze to the man. "Don't kill yourself," he said with as much sympathy as he could muster.

"I wasn't-"

"We'll do it for you."

"WHAT?"

Duo nodded his agreement. "You have nothing to worry about. Leave everything to us."

"But-"

"First thing's first," Heero told him matter-of-factly. "Let's find a rock," he chimed.

Milli's words stuck in his throat. Did Heero Yuy just break into spontaneous song? Did he just SING? Forget that he just said he wanted to find a rock, the more important matter was that he SANG it.

"I mean a big ass rock," Heero added as Duo sat a startled Milli and himself onto the bench. "Or maybe something like a cinderblock is better…"

Despite Milli's uncharacteristic frantic head-shaking, Heero mimed holding a big ass rock and continued, "I'll hoist it up… and drop it on your face," then promptly flung his palms up as if releasing the rock.

"I'd rather n-"

"And just before the lights go out, you'll see my smile." There was a faint twitch at the edges of his lips, which passed for a smile in Duo's book. "And you'll know you've got a friend. With a rock. Who cares. I mean a big-ass rock."

"Or rope!" Duo piped up, prodding Milli's shoulder with his finger.

Not him too, Milli thought.

"I got some quality rope made for a man devoid of hope, like you are, my buddy… Millicent-"

"Milliardo…" Wait, did Duo just call him Millicent? Milli's face supported not only an expression of 'what the hell are you guys doing' shock, but also 'did Duo just call me by a girl's name' anger.

"Milliardo! Right!" Duo corrected, giving Milli's back a goodhearted slap. "And I won't leave you swinging there," he pointed out in song, "twitching like a fish while you claw the air."

Milliardo's eyes followed Duo's to watch as the long-haired man clawed the air with his hand. Honestly, he didn't like the sound of that too much; even less than he liked the idea of Duo calling him Millicent.

"I'll grab your feet," Duo continued, "and, pal o'mine, I'll pull real hard and…"

Milli had to wonder to himself, did he like where this was going?

"SNAP!"

The blonde jumped at least a foot above his seat. He definitely did NOT like where this was going.

"Your spinal cord," Duo finished soothingly as though it would cheer up Milli.

"The world is cold when you're alone," Heero chorused, taking a seat on the other side of Milli. "And they ignore you."

Milliardo wished the two of them would ignore HIM.

"But don't kill yourself…"

"We'll do it for you!" Duo stated, thoroughly enjoying this event. "You've got a friend."

"Are you guys on drugs?" Milliardo asked when the two of them finally stopped singing.

"No," Duo answered nonchalantly. "But, just so you know, Milli, you do not want to die by overdosing on drugs."

"I didn't-"

"It's a wimp suicide," Heero commented. "A good way to go would be committing harakiri. That's a man's way to die."

"I don't want-"

"Shhh," Duo hushed, holding up a finger to the blonde's lips and shaking his head. "We know what you want. And we want you to know that we know. And we are going to help you."

Milliardo couldn't believe his ears; were they trying to talk him OUT of suicide, or try to give him ideas on how to commit their ideas of a better suicide? He abruptly banished these thoughts from his head. He didn't want to die! It was just these two sudden Broadway stars that were crazy!

"Milli, listen," Duo soothed, speaking to him as though he weren't too smart, "Even I sometimes feel like his, like the world sucks and I don't have anyone…"

Well didn't that just hit the nail on the head. Milli casted his eyes to the ground sheepishly. Just because he felt like that today didn't mean he wanted to die necessarily.

"I turned around and suddenly," Duo continued in song, much to Milliardo's dismay, and gestured toward a shrugging Heero, "I'm not alone, it ain't just me. I'm like a player on the team…"

"Player on our team?" Heero muttered. "More like the mascot."

"…I'm a part of the gang…"

"Part of the gang?" Milli repeated skeptically. "I suppose all friends chase each other around stark raving mad with guns and swords," he added sarcastically.

"…A member of the club!"

"Uh… welcome to the club," Heero said reluctantly and soon questioning himself as to why that came out.

"Oh, let's get a club!" Duo suggested suddenly, looking at Heero with wistful eyes.

"I like the big ass rock," he replied flatly.

"But, one good swing," Duo protested as he swung his arms like he held a bat, "and I'll clean his clock forever!"

"Let gravity do the work," Heero told him in an authoritative tone before muttering, "Stupid."

Duo turned to Milliardo quickly for support. "It's a man's way to die, Mildred," he told him.

"MILLIARDO!" the blonde shouted. Why did Duo have to keep calling him by a girl's name? And more importantly, why did he suddenly, and rather impulsively, sing, "I got friends…"

"Friends who will love you like a maniac," Duo sang to him as he wrapped an arm around his shoulder, "and lead you like a lamb to the railroad track, and tie you down."

"Or tickle your wrist," Heero continued, holding up Milliardo's wrist in his hand. "With a single-edge razor…" He pulled out a knife from his shorts (although where he stored that knife, Milli did NOT want to know).

"Ack!" the blonde gasped and instinctively withdrew his arm.

"Or buy you a beer," Heero told him, not missing a beat, "With a Drain-O chaser."

He was more than cynical about the Drain-O chaser, but Milli did feel he could use a beer right about now.

"Or dump you in the river with a rock," Duo sang, gesturing toward the horizon as though there would be a river there somewhere.

"A big ass rock," Heero corrected as his eyes searched the ground and eventually landed on a decent sized rock. "Here's a nice one," he said as he walked several feet toward it.

"Can I give you a hand with that?" Duo offered, releasing Milliardo from his grasp and joining Heero over the rock.

"It's not heavy," the other brunet answered as he held it in both hands.

A smile beaming on his face, Duo turned to the third man and announced, "GROUP HUG!"

It was too bad for Duo that Milliardo had run off and could be seen making a mad dash toward the park exit. As he ran, he wondered why everyone around him seemed to be bursting into spontaneous song today.

His smile faded, Duo turned to face Heero and saw the man still holding the rock. "What are we gonna do now?"

"I could drop this on your face."

Duo laughed nervously and slowly removed the rock from Heero's hands. "How about we go home and call it a day?" When he noticed the other pilot's eyes supporting a murderous glint, Duo quickly added, "Or we could uh…" His mind drew a blank. He really didn't know what to say to a look like that.

Duo sighed and cast his eyes to the ground meekly. "Or you could chase me around with your gun."

"I like the big ass rock."

In an instant, the rock was back in Heero's hands and when Duo looked up, he had it hoisted above his head. With nothing else to do, Duo ran with Heero hot on his heels.

(The end.)

I hope you guys like it! It was mostly just a spur of the moment kind of thing… But I love this song! (:

Please, let me know what you think!


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